Transforming Challenges into Strengths
The very skills I developed from my traumatic experiences became crucial in my professional success:
- Hyper-Vigilance: This constant state of alertness allowed me to stay aware of every detail and potential issue, making me exceptionally prepared in professional settings.
- Anxiety: Running through all possible scenarios quickly in my head helped me anticipate challenges and respond swiftly, a critical skill in high-pressure environments.
- Ability to Accurately Read People: Developed as a survival mechanism to assess safety and intentions quickly, this skill became invaluable in understanding and navigating interpersonal dynamics.
- Dissociation: The ability to detach emotionally allowed me to stay focused and calm in high-stress situations, enabling quick and deliberate decision-making without being overwhelmed by emotions.
- Adaptability: Constantly adapting to new and potentially dangerous environments as a child honed my ability to be flexible and responsive to changing circumstances in the workplace.
- Empathy: Understanding pain and struggle on a personal level made me more empathetic towards others, which enhanced my leadership and teamwork abilities.
Introduction
As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to take you on a deeply personal journey from burnout to breakthrough. This isn't just a story about surviving the relentless stress of a corporate career; it's about the profound transformation that happens when we face our deepest personal issues head-on. My hope is to challenge the stigma surrounding mental health, especially in corporate America, and to inspire others to prioritize their well-being.
The Onset of Burnout
Eight years into my career, operating at 130% effort was my norm. The relentless pace and high demands began to take their toll. But it wasn't just the job that was wearing me down; it was the unresolved trauma and neglect from my childhood. My brain had been protecting me in the only way it knew how, but eventually, the walls I had built started to crumble.
The Moment of Realization
One quiet evening in my room in Los Angeles, at 34 years old, I was struck by a haunting question: Was my life just a cycle of working to earn money, only to spend that money to sustain a life that allowed me to work again? This spiraling thought helped me realize how lost I felt, devoid of a clear sense of purpose or fulfillment.
It wasn't that I was actively considering ending my life, but for as long as I could remember, I had intrusive thoughts about extreme scenarios. I would peer over railings, wondering how high was high enough, or imagine situations like a school shooting or a hijacker on a plane. I had already thought through what I would do in those moments—let my adrenaline take over and focus on distracting, disarming, or tackling the person. Not because of some act of heroism, but because why not? It didn’t matter to me, and it seemed to really matter to everyone else—life, that is.
Life felt meaningless and devoid of excitement. When I say I was spiraling, I mean I was searching for meaning and coming up empty. Everything felt pointless.
Professional Challenges
The real difficulty in my professional life wasn't the work itself—it was navigating the complexities of interpersonal dynamics. There were individuals in positions of power, as well as colleagues, whose lack of understanding and competence made situations unnecessarily complicated. These interactions often triggered my trauma responses, causing flashbacks and activating my nervous system, transporting me back to times when I felt unsafe or worse. I wasn't even aware that these trauma responses were happening or how significantly they were affecting me.
The very skills I developed from my traumatic experiences became crucial in my professional success. My hyper-vigilance, ability to visualize the flow of communications within a population, early and accurate reading of people, quick adaptability, and understanding of human motivations transformed from survival mechanisms into valuable professional skills. These strengths made the work itself relatively easy, even if the people I had to navigate around made it challenging.
However, these strengths also had a downside. The heightened state of alertness and constant scanning for potential threats were exhausting and often led to burnout.
The Impact of Therapy
Fortunately, a very good friend recognized my distress and recommended her therapist who, though not accepting new patients, made an exception upon hearing my plight. The first session lasted about five hours, during which I dissociated while recounting my present struggles and delving into my traumatic past. This session marked the beginning of a transformative journey. Therapy provided me with the tools to start unpacking years of buried pain, enabling me to understand the profound impact my early experiences had on my professional life and personal well-being.
Tools and Techniques from Talk Therapy
Talk therapy was instrumental in equipping me with various techniques to control my nervous system. These included:
- Grounding Techniques: Checking in with myself to assess my safety and current state, holding a frozen bottle or drinking something very cold to snap back into the present, and focusing on my breathing. These techniques served as crucial reminders to my brain and body, helping me stay present and calm.
- Rebuilding Self-Worth: Parenting my inner child and rewriting the narrative about myself that had been shaped by others. I came to understand that I was not a bad child; I was a child who had been repeatedly failed by those who were supposed to protect and care for me. This realization allowed me to replace the old narrative with one based on fact, truth, and my own experiences.
Integrative Practices
In addition to talk therapy, I explored various integrative practices that addressed my somatic symptoms and beyond:
Bikram Yoga: This practice taught me how to use my mind, thoughts, and intentions to slow my breathing and position my body in ways that would calm or invite positive energy and acceptance.
Ayahuasca Ceremonies: These ceremonies emphasized controlling my nervous system through focused breathing and intentional body positioning, helping me manage stress and maintain equilibrium.
Sound Therapy: Focusing on auditory stimuli to stay grounded and calm.
Microdosing Mushrooms: This practice helped me manage symptoms and reduced the need for emergency medications like Xanax and clonidine.
These integrative practices significantly improved my capacity to handle chaos and crises by maintaining a calm and focused state.
Transforming Challenges into Strengths
As my therapist highlighted, the impacts of CPTSD, childhood trauma, and neglect that hindered me in my personal life became benefits in my professional life. These coping mechanisms, which kept me alive as a child, transformed into valuable skills as an adult. My hyper-vigilance, anxiety, adaptablility, ability to visualize the flow of communications within a population, early and accurate reading of people, quick adaptability, and understanding of human motivations all contributed to my professional success. By understanding what drives people, I increased my likelihood of achieving success.
Even dissociation, often seen as a hindrance, became a strength. One of my strengths is my ability to drive quick and deliberate outcomes where others may have been unsuccessful. Part of this can be attributed to dissociation. Most people will tire and give up, but I not only stay looking for an opening but also don't carry the sense of failure within. That's not to say I don't grow and learn from failure—absolutely, I do—but I don't internalize it as such. It doesn't take on that negative weight. I think, "I tried and it didn't work out. So? That was that time with that set of variables. The sun was out and it was raining. It's cloudy, but the sky is bluer than it's ever been today."
This mindset also made me a staunch protector and advocate, particularly for those who did not yet or perhaps were not in a position to speak up or protect themselves. This was and is heavily influenced by my neurodivergent sense of justice and what’s right.
Lessons Learned and Shared
Addressing Past Trauma
Understanding and addressing past trauma is crucial for healing and personal growth. It's essential not just for managing symptoms but for uncovering the root causes that often shape our behavior and emotional responses. This awareness helps us manage not only personal well-being but also professional performance and satisfaction.
The Importance of Professional Help
Seeking professional help was a turning point in my life. A trained therapist provides invaluable support and guidance through the complex maze of emotions and memories that many of us aren't equipped to handle alone. This step is critical in transforming personal and professional lives, leading to a more profound sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Recognizing the Signs of Burnout
It’s vital to recognize the early signs of burnout and address them before they escalate. This includes understanding how personal issues can seep into professional life, affecting performance and satisfaction. The reverse can also be true—professional stress can impact personal well-being. Recognizing these signs early allows for timely intervention and prevention of further deterioration, acknowledging that there is no wall between the two.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking the cycle of continuous work and consumption requires a conscious decision to seek meaning beyond the daily grind. This might involve setting new personal goals, pursuing passions, or redefining what success means on a personal level. Finding balance and purpose is essential for sustainable well-being and professional success.
Conclusion
By sharing my journey from the brink of a breakdown to seeking therapy, I hope to inspire others to take necessary steps towards self-care and healing before reaching a crisis point. It’s crucial to remember that it’s never too late to seek help and start the journey towards a healthier, more fulfilling life. This narrative is not just a personal recount; it's a call to action for anyone feeling overwhelmed by the demands of life and work. Let's prioritize mental health and recognize that taking steps to care for our mental well-being is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Looking Ahead
As we move forward in this series for Mental Health Awareness Month, we'll explore how embracing transparent leadership can further transform workplace culture and personal efficacy. Each step in acknowledging and addressing mental health not only enhances our own lives but also sets a precedent for openness and understanding in our professional environments.
This journey of transformation underscores the power of vulnerability and the importance of advocating for ourselves and others. It illustrates how breaking through personal barriers can lead to breakthroughs in how we live and work, fostering environments where mental health is not just recognized but actively supported.